I am afraid the other parent will abduct our child to another country
“If you leave me, you’ll never see the child again.” Statements like this, uttered during an argument, may give rise to fears when going through a process of separation that the other parent will actually turn this threat into reality. These fears are heightened if they want to travel abroad with the child or the child does not return home at the agreed time after a weekend with the other parent. Sometimes, though, no specific threat is given – and yet you may be worried that your ex-partner could disappear with the child.
Are my fears about child abduction justified?
Are you living in Germany and worried that your ex-partner wants to take your child abroad or retain them there? Are you living in another country and worried that the father or mother could move to Germany with your child against your will?
Whether your fears about child abduction are justified or not can often not be determined with any certainty. Sometimes the worries are greater than the actual danger. Sometimes, also, the worries diminish if normality returns after a separation or as soon as conflicts between the parents as a (former) couple can be resolved. Fears should always be taken as a warning signal, however. We and our network will take you and your worries seriously.
The fact is that every situation is different. Whether because of a binational or bicultural relationship, a common place of origin or new partners, if there are links to another country, worries about child abduction from or to Germany in difficult conflicts about the child are frequently part of the crisis.
Only the specific circumstances can determine whether and which precautionary measures should be taken if you fear that your child will be abducted. You are the one most familiar with the behaviour of the other parent and the precise circumstances. We will listen to you, discuss the options available and try to support you in taking the steps you consider necessary.
It helps to consider with third parties when a particular measure is appropriate and when it would exacerbate a conflict instead.
How can child abduction be prevented?
The best prevention is always if, despite your disappointment, you as parents manage to stay joint parents even during and after separation or divorce. Should you find yourself in this situation of worrying that your child will be abducted, however, this joint basis is usually already fractured. What specific steps can you take, therefore, to allay your fears and take precautionary measures?
What are the specific indicators that point to planning an abduction?
- How serious is the dispute, and how broken is your relationship? Does a difficult past mean you can no longer trust the other parent?
- Are you worried about the influence of the family of the other parent? Have your own family or friends expressed any concerns about child abduction?
- Stereotypes and prejudices can strengthen fears that a child will be taken against your will. Usually being aware of these will help you understand your own fears.
- Has the father or mother of your joint child given any hint or threat that they will go abroad with them or retain them there?
- Are there reports from the child on worrying statements or suspicious behaviour on the part of the other parent?
- What sort of link with the country in which you are currently living as a family does the other parent have? Was it actually only the family, the relationship, which established the link? What is the job situation, and what are the social contacts and financial situation of the other parent at the current place of residence?
- Are you worried about the influence of the family of the other parent? Have your own family or friends expressed any concerns about child abduction?
- Stereotypes and prejudices can strengthen fears that a child will be taken against your will. Usually being aware of these will help you understand your own fears.
- Has the father or mother of your joint child given any hint or threat that they will go abroad with them or retain them there?
- Are there reports from the child on worrying statements or suspicious behaviour on the part of the other parent?
- What sort of link with the country in which you are currently living as a family does the other parent have? Was it actually only the family, the relationship, which established the link? What is the job situation, and what are the social contacts and financial situation of the other parent at the current place of residence?
- Was the desire to return or move to another country expressed in concrete terms? Has the other parent already done anything in this regard (resignation from their job, preparations for moving, etc.)?
- Do you have a way of keeping the identity documents of your child in a safe place? Does your child have dual nationality, or the same nationality as the other parent?
Stay in contact with each other. Depending on what the specific indicators are, it may also be possible to talk to each other about your fears, where appropriate with the help of third parties (friends, relatives, professionals). You could discover that you have similar worries in common.
Ask yourselves what steps could be taken so that you are both able to safeguard the best interests of your child.
It is often helpful to try to agree new access arrangements with the other parent. Could a generous agreement that provides for frequent and regular contact with the child for both parents counteract fears of loss? If your child lives with you, involve your ex-partner in key decisions. Create confidence that the separation – and even a possible great geographical distance – does not need to mean cutting off contact with the child.
We would be happy to provide further information on possibilities for resolving conflicts amicably.
Has your worry about the abduction of your child been preceded by domestic violence? Seek help.
- The “Violence against women support hotline” on 08000 116 016 and online at www.hilfetelefon.de offers women affected by violence free and anonymous advice and support in many languages round the clock.
- Male victims of violence can call a helpline on 0800 123 9900 and obtain advice online at www.maennerhilfetelefon.de (in German only).
You can express your concerns to the staff of your local Youth Welfare Office or family advice centre and consider what to do next. As an independent third party, the professional will share their assessment of your situation with you and draw on their experience from consultancy practice. With your consent, an interview with your partner could even be considered. This will give the professional an opportunity to clarify the facts for themselves and gain their own impressions. It is also possible to have a joint interview in which you as parents are given support in reaching agreements.
You can find your local contact in our directory.
Do you want the other parent to only be allowed to see your child in the presence of a third party? Such supervised access can, for instance, be agreed voluntarily with the Youth Welfare Office or – in the absence of consent – ordered by a court. Supervised access is generally for a limited time and, as an interim solution, always with a view to unsupervised access.
Such a step must be considered carefully, because it can exacerbate a conflict and also draw the child unnecessarily into taking sides.
Further information about rights of access.
If you (possibly after professional advice) come to the conclusion that joint custody or even the current visiting rights have become too much of a risk, you may need to go to court.
There, with the aid of a legal representative where necessary, you can apply for:
- transfer of sole parental custody;
- transfer of the right to determine the child’s place of residence to yourself or the Youth Welfare Office;
- a prohibition on changing the child’s place of residence without the consent of the court;
- the child’s passport to be held by the Youth Welfare Office;
- a border alert (issued in the sovereign territory of the contracting states of the Schengen Agreement).
A court decision can also relate directly to access if you apply for…
- the other parent to be obliged to report with the child to a competent agency (such as a local police station or the public youth welfare organisation) regularly during the exercise of access;
- access to only be allowed under supervision (see above).
Depending on the states involved, further precautionary measures will also usually be ordered, such as a sum of money to be deposited as security during the exercise of access. Another option would be the so-called “mirror orders”. This is where application is made for identically worded decisions on access rights in both states, or efforts are made for the recognition of an existing order from a country.
You can find out more about court proceedings in the case of conflicts concerning children here.
Those involved often perceive going to court as something that is unavoidable and helps to bring (legal) clarity). Sometimes this is the only way they can enable further safe contact between your child and both parents. On the other hand, even preventive measures authorised by the court cannot guarantee 100 % safety and frequently bring about a further escalation in the conflict between the parents.
Before you consider on your own what you can and should do, it is worth asking professionals for support.
Are you worried that your child is being abducted at the moment, or about to be? Then read this first.
What can I do for our child?
Like many parents in your situation, you will certainly be asking yourself what effect your worries and any precautionary measures that have been taken are having on your child. While the actual impact depends on many different factors – the age of the child, who they are living with, whether the separation has already taken place, whether existing access arrangements are being observed – in our experience there are three key things to do.
- Make sure that the understanding between you as parents about the welfare and best interests of the child can be restored.
- Make every effort not to communicate your fears of abduction and your resulting lack of trust to the child.
- Make sure that the understanding between you as parents about the welfare and best interests of the child can be restored.
- Make every effort not to communicate your fears of abduction and your resulting lack of trust to the child.
- If your child is living with you, allow regular contact between the child and the other parent – your child has a right of access (see above for precautionary measures).
- Consider whether it is helpful to talk to your child about your fears. Depending on their age and maturity, a child may be able to process the information, be attentive and so protect themselves. In this regard it may also be sensible to involve other significant persons, such as in the kindergarten, school or day care centre, so that they too can both be watchful and also provide focused support for your child.
For professionals: pointers for giving advice
- Despite all practical and legal measures that can be taken, it is very difficult to prevent a parent abducting their child abroad.
- As an advising professional, you work in partnership with the family concerned in order to minimise all risks as much as possible.
- Should you get the impression that a child is about to be taken abroad, you also need to act quickly.
- When clarifying the circumstances, examine if provisions of family law in the other country have an influence on the initial situation of the person seeking advice and what international regulations apply.